In September, Randy and I have been talking about expanding our little family. We had decided, there was no time like the present. And much to our surprise, our trying to conceive journey was a lot shorter than expected. We found out we were pregnant the end of October. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting time. Filled with telling Kylar what it would be like to be a big sister. Telling our families and friends. Preparing for the arrival of a new little one.
Our excitement was cut short just a few weeks into the pregnancy. On Friday, Nov 5th, I miscarried what would have been are second child. I went in for regular blood work and my doctor called with the results. I could tell by the tone of her voice it was not good. My HCG level was not doubling like it should. She felt the pregnancy would not last. She wanted to re-test that following week to double check, but said it didn't look good. That next morning is when we lost the baby.
We have gone through a lot of emotions the past few days. We were mad, sad, confused, hurt. You name it. We do not understand why we got pregnant just to have that little baby taken away from us. Why was this happening? What did we do? What could I have done to prevent it? And since the baby was not "technically" a baby, would would happen? Would the baby go to heaven? When we go there, will we know the baby? Will the baby know us? Or is the baby just gone?
After a lot of heart breaking conversations, we have come to a bit of a peace about it. I know in my heart this little baby would have been a boy. I just had a feeling. We believe that he was taken from us because he was either going to have something wrong and would suffer or b/c God has greater plans for him. We know that he is in a place where he will not suffer or feel any pain. We know that is he taken care of. And we believe that he is in heaven. And that we will one day meet our little boy. We also know that Kylar will always have her little brother watching over her. Our little angel baby is going something greater than he could have done here on Earth. And knowing that, we were able to come to peace with the loss of our baby.
While, we want to grieve and continue on, we also do not to forget our baby that was taken too soon. We will tell Kylar and any future children we have about their brother in heaven. And we will let them know that he is always there watching over us. We decided that to honor our lost family member, we are going to get an ornament for our Christmas tree. Randy said we should get blue since I feel he was a boy. He also suggested something simple, like a star. So we will be looking for a blue star ornament to remember our baby. He will forever be a star upon our tree.